2023 In Review

It was the best of times it was the worst of times

If the year were a circle, we’ve reached the point in which it completes itself, simultaneously finishing one cycle and starting a new one. It is the end, and also the beginning. I don’t know what it is but it seems you reach December, January, and suddenly you are older, wiser. Much more than in June or July. Though we may try to see the new year as an ordinary day on the calendar, its arrival inherently impacts us. It’s arbitrary, really, but the fact of the matter is a year changes you, and it should. For at the very least, we have completed something, and in the same breath, we have started again.

This time last year, I was very lost. I could list the reasons as to why but mostly it was just a feeling. Sometimes it’s just like that. 2022 was ending and I felt I’d accomplished nothing. Not that it had been a complete waste but that I could have made better use of it than I did.

Winter and the new year was approaching and I couldn’t believe it. I had taken the leap of moving to New York but was paralyzed by its consequences. I spent most of my days completely alone—which is what I thought I wanted—with only my cat to keep me company, in my half-furnished apartment, with my remote job that paid just enough to afford my outrageous rent and buy myself random cheap ingredients like pasta and beans and bananas.

I’d get high to dissolve my troubles and then later admit to my therapist how sad I felt, and how guilty I felt for that sadness because I knew I was living many peoples dream. In fact, I was living my own dream, and that might have been the saddest part.

I tell you this because despite it being a difficult start to the year, 2023 turned out to be the most transformative period in my life. Looking back, and I really mean this, I would not change a thing.

I learned so much, some of which I hope to share with you in time, but for now I will say this one thing: Sometimes you don’t know if what’s happening to you is good or bad, you just know how you feel about it in the moment. And in many moments in 2023, especially at the start of the year, I did not feel so great. I was uncomfortable, scared, broke, lonely. All of the bad things. But really what was happening to me was a good thing. It was really good. So despite the hurting, when I look back on the year 2023 I look back with love.

Time went on, as it does, and life got better, as it tends to. By spring, I’d found hope, summer brought joy, fall brought clarity, and presently, in winter, I've found me. Not so much a new or better me but a me that I am happy to be.

And when the ball dropped, I did not want the year to end. Maybe because it was my first year in New York and that in itself has had some profound effect on me. Maybe because it was a year of transition and change, and that was exciting even when it was hard. Maybe because I have a habit of loving all of my past selves too much to let them go. But I know I have to say goodbye, and it feels good to. And I will hold on to what 2023 gave me, which, in the end, was me.

A few things to take with you before you go:

Just read: My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh. Reading this book was like witnessing a car crash. You don’t want to watch but you can’t look away. Though hypnotizing in it’s own right, the story wasn’t exactly enjoyable. The narrator is disturbed and shallow in a way that is darkly humorous at best, but being immersed in her world of substance abuse and sleep-deprived hallucination made me feel uneasy.

This does not, however, discredit Ottessa Moshfegh’s writing, which was my personal favorite part of reading this. For that, I’ll give it 3.5 out of 5 stars, worth reading if you’re looking for something unusual. Good for someone who needs something truly engrossing to remain hooked. I hear Eileen is Moshfegh’s best and I’m looking forward to getting my hands on that one.

Final book of 2023

Recipe to try: This salmon bowl. It’s like deconstructed sushi. Easy enough to make but feels like something fancy, which we could all use more of in our life.

Participating in: Dry January. My hangovers are historically terrible, regardless of preventative methods. After recently battling a wicked 36-hour migraine as a result of drinking just two glasses of wine, I thought maybe I should try not drinking, which I already hardly do. I told my boyfriend I might try it and something tells me he is going to hold me accountable (hot). I’ll report back!

New Year’s Resolution: I made an ins/outs list but decided against sharing it on TikTok or Instagram. It felt too curated, too much like I was trying to participate in a trend rather than actually setting goals for myself. My resolution, on the whole, is to do more hard things. To go in the direction of discomfort when I know it will benefit me. Exercising even when I want to the least. Giving my best effort at work even though it is not my passion. Nurturing my passion, which is to write things down and share them, even when I don’t feel good enough. Etc. etc.

Reminder: If now does not feel like a good time to set resolutions or make a vision board or anything of that nature, know that that’s okay too. You can chose to subscribe to the idea of resolution setting or not. Further, if you do decide to try something and fail, also okay.

Closing thoughts: Writing these letters to you makes me so happy. From the deepest, sincerest point in my heart, thank you for giving me a space for my thoughts to land, for being apart of my little community.

Here’s to another year.

Sincerely,

Salena